Sunday, March 21, 2010

on Fighting

Raising six children I get asked all the time;

"Do the children fight with eachother"

In the home, we offer children a very safe place to
experiment with their fighting skills.

Here is -O- tolerance for physical fighting or
hurting another sibling. The punishments fit the
crime and are handed out immediately.

But there is another dymanic more painful then
a push or a shove....and thats the five against one

This is when one of the older siblings decide to see
how powerful they are by enrolling the younger siblings into a secret club against one.

Usually the reason people follow the eldest siblings is because they are so happy to be part of anything having to do with the oldest that they are in
the plan......whatever it is.

SEPERATE AND DIVIDE.....thats my advice to reach the children during this process. You know that each of them knows better. You know they want you to be happy and this just hurts your feelings. They dont have to feel the same way that you do, but seeing them act unkindly hurts your feelings....and its wrong. You can accept that they might not like someone, but you can not accept them choosing to be openly unkind.

Just acknowledging this to your child, that you understand that at this time they are not too happy with their sibling, is a big step forward.

You can reach out to your oldest child. I know you have already explained how you love all of them the same and it hurts your feelings to see them fight.

So try this.

Explain that watching him use his words and his brothers
to mentally abuse his sibling is like ME inviting someone I really like
to stay in our home. To sleep in our guest room and when they come
down for breakfast they start telling us how they think my husband, our Dad stinks and is a real jerk. Then I ask them to imagine this same person at our breakfast table, and while they are eating the food which I am serving them, they continue to tell me how they think our sister is ugly and smells bad, and how your brother is so stupid.....hey it might run in your blood too. While I pour the organge juice they they comment "Doesnt anyone here know how to cook, your all slobs!"

Well, I explain, that is how I feel when you, my son, who I love wake up and decide to pick on a younger sibling !That is how it sounds !

Then leave the room, ask for them to think quietly about what you just said.....and see what happens!

It will work.....not every time, but the next time !

Have a great Day !

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